Together
by California smells funny
Summary: A year after Sirius's death, Remus reflects on their past together. Implied SBRL.


**Together **

_A/N: This is a one-shot, written slightly under the inspiration of the awesome songs Untitled and Everytime, both by Simple Plan. It's the first really sad fic I've ever done, as well as the first I've written in the first person. I hope you like it. _

_Dedicated to the two girls who I love most in the world; you know who you are._

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Why did you leave me? It's a year now since you disappeared beyond the veil, and I'm still struggling to believe that you're gone. I'll never see you smile again, never hear that barking laugh of yours, never spend another long night at your house giving you a reason not to want to go out.

I wish I could have stopped you going to the Ministry that night. But the fact is that we were all so wrapped up in the stupid Order that there was little time for personal issues. I had to be out and about doing my good deeds, recruiting, liaising and protecting everyone except the one person I really loved: you.

I remember the first time we met, when you and James found me alone on the train that first year at Hogwarts. I remember how the two of you talked to me like an equal, and we shared a small mountain of Cauldron Cakes and all the other sugary things. Then at the feast that evening, after we all got sorted into Gryffindor together, you ate so much that you nearly made yourself sick. I remember how James kept egging you on, while I watched in amusement, and the chubby boy next to me looked so impressed… What a shame that that boy turned out to be a part of everything that went wrong.

After one evening in the dormitory, the roles were set: you were the sugar-fiend who was bouncing off the walls, James was yelling encouragement, I was quiet but laughing on the inside, and Peter was just sitting there smiling weakly. That night, everything revolved around you, and you were loving it. You might have been too high on the sugar-rush to notice it so much, but it was true.

For years, the four of us were the most solid group of friends anyone could wish for. It always seemed like you and James had the most in common, but it didn't matter; all of us always had time for each other. Sometimes you or James (or both) would get us into trouble, sometimes I'd get a telling-off from you all for working too hard, and sometimes we'd notice just how much of a drip Peter was. But we were still the Marauders.

It was only in Sixth Year that I started to look at you differently. It was when you had about a dozen girls competing to be your date for the Yule Ball, and you didn't seem too interested in any of them. That was when I'd just had my first girlfriend, and it had gone so disastrously that I had to accept that something was wrong. It took me days to realise that I was watching you far more than was normal. Even after that, it seemed an age before I first caught you looking back at me. At first I was afraid that you and James were planning to prank me, a notion I didn't get rid of until the two of you had that massive falling-out just before Christmas. It wasn't until you found me on Christmas Eve and asked if we could talk that I found out the argument had been over your feelings for me.

I'll never forget the moment when you said you liked me. You looked so scared, something I wasn't used to seeing on your face. I thought my heart would stop when you whipped that sprig of mistletoe out from behind your back and asked if it was okay. It was more than okay; you were the reason my first relationship had gone wrong, the reason I was feeling so confused, the reason that that Christmas was my best ever.

Somehow we managed to reconcile with James, and somehow we broke the news to Peter without him dying of shock. In retrospect, things would have been so much better if he had. But I suppose evil will always find a way back to the ones it wants, whether or not the pawns are the same.

Keeping our love secret was difficult at times, but you were mine, and that was enough. You made me so happy, even though I ended up feeling like the little wife after we left school and you got that damn motorbike. I was always afraid you'd fall, or crash, and I'd lose you. I always worried about you.

The night I really lost you, I was past caring. When I saw your face in the papers, the headlines screaming that you'd killed three of our closest friends, as well as innocent Muggles, I couldn't believe it. I went through so many possible reasons when I found out, but in the end I beat down denial and told myself that I never really knew you. I told my heart that Azkaban was the best place for you, and I should get on with my life.

For twelve years, I kept believing that. But when I found you in the Shrieking Shack with Harry and his friends, when I'd seen Peter on the map, I realised. You looked terrible; anyone with less deep feelings than mine would not have recognised you. Holding you again felt wonderful, even though I could tell that you were skin and bone under those robes, even though you were on the run. I suppose I knew that even though you were innocent, we would never truly be together again, not like before.

When we turned the rat back into our old friend, I was surprised I managed to stay calm. Yes, I did sound reasonable on the outside, but on the inside I wanted to kill him for what he did to you. I wanted him gone; I hated him more than anyone I had ever known.

My feelings were all over the place then; it was lucky I was always so good at staying flippant when I was going crazy inside. I couldn't quite comprehend the moment when you asked for my forgiveness; it was I who should have been begging yours. But you gave it in an instant, and I didn't give up hope.

Then it all went wrong. Just as we were leaving, on our way to your freedom and our future together, I transformed… and the coward fled. That was the end of any hopes we might have had. You escaped alive, which was a near miracle, and one for which I will always be grateful.

I quit teaching, and got on with life again, as best I could. And then there was Grimmauld Place. At last I could be with you again. It hurt that it couldn't be openly, but at least behind closed doors you were mine again, and I was yours. The time we spent there was precious. Whenever we could escape Order business and have time to ourselves, I wouldn't leave your side. It was the most incredible feeling in the world to be able to hold you again, love you, fall asleep next to you, and hear you tell me you loved me.

We knew that our time together could come to an end at any given moment. Someone could tell the Ministry where you were, or either of us could be killed. I treasured every time we made love, every look you gave me, every morning we exchanged glances over breakfast with a kitchen full of people, none of whom knew our secret.

But then, a year ago, I lost you. You were always a fool when it came to protecting people; as soon as you knew Harry was in danger, off you went to save him. I had to go too, and I was there to see you fall. When you disappeared through the veil, I died inside. But I had to be strong; I had to stop Harry from following you, even though that was what I wanted to do myself. I told him you were gone, you weren't coming back, even though the words felt like acid on my tongue.

But I was right. You didn't come back. And now I have to live without your smile and your love, struggling through a life that has no meaning any more. I miss you more than I ever thought possible, but some day I will see you again. Somewhere there is a heaven that accepts people like us, who love who our hearts tell us to, regardless of whether they are man or woman, wizard, Muggle, or werewolf. Some day, somewhere, we will be together again.

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_A/N: Please review, guys. I'm supposed to be revising for exams but instead I've spent an hour and a half writing this, so I hope it was worth it._


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